When to Divorce: 7 Signs You Need to Get Out

Divorce is a difficult decision to make, but sometimes it can be the only healthy option. If you think it might be time to end your marriage, there are various signs that you can look for to determine when to divorce.

This guide will explain the basic signs that you need a divorce, helping you make an informed decision about when it’s time for divorce mediation.

1) Excessive Negative Interactions

Social psychologists have known for years that it’s not necessarily the severity of disagreements but the quantity that indicates the need for a divorce. The magic ratio in any happy relationship is five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. You know when to divorce partially by weighing your positive interactions against the negative ones. This advice contradicts the popular misconception that small arguments are insignificant as indicators of marital problems. If you find that you have significantly more negative interactions with your partner than positive interactions, it may be a sign that you need a divorce and should contact a mediator.

2) Argument Severity

Even the magic ratio has its limitations. The existence of more positive interactions than negative ones should not be taken as proof that you don’t need a divorce. Very severe and hurtful arguments are one of the most crucial signs to get a divorce. Many couples don’t know when to divorce and stay in unhealthy relationships because they rarely argue, ignoring the fact that those arguments are filled with hurtful or abusive behaviours. The severity of arguments can be an indication that you need a divorce, particularly if the arguments tend to devolve into personal insults rather than topical disagreement. Arguing about things is a normal part of any marriage, but it should not be a frequent occurrence, and you should never feel devalued by the other person during the argument.

3) Different Values

While people with different belief systems often manage to maintain successful marriages, those couples tend to do so by finding common ground in shared values. Knowing when to divorce revolves around knowing when you reach a point where your core values are so different from your partner’s that you will never be able to find common ground. For example, if one partner greatly values having a large family, while the other puts a higher value on achieving career success, it is likely that they will eventually need a divorce unless those values change. Sometimes knowing when to divorce requires looking toward the future and determining whether each person’s idea of what that future looks like is acceptable to the other. If your partner wants a future you could never be happy with, it may be a sign you need a divorce.

4) Marriage Counselling Isn’t Working

Marriage counselling is a great way to work on your problems and receive the invaluable input of an objective third party with training in dispute resolution. Numerous marriages are saved each year through marriage counselling, but both partners must be equally committed to the process for marriage counselling to work. If you have been involved in marriage counselling for at least several months with no signs of progress, that standstill can be a strong indicator of when to divorce. Knowing when to divorce requires first making an effort to fix the problems in the marriage so neither party has regrets.

5) Unfaithfulness

One of the most crucial indicators of when to divorce is if one or both partners have gone outside the marriage to pursue another relationship. While some couples manage to recover from the pain that an affair causes, others take it as validation that they need to end it. Even after a major issue such as an affair, knowing when to divorce is still largely a matter of timing. Marriage counselling can help you determine whether your marriage can survive an affair, or whether you should start thinking about when to divorce. Unfaithfulness destroys the trust in a relationship, so often marriage counselling is not enough to rebuild that trust, and a divorce becomes the only option.

6) Other Signs to Get a Divorce

It may seem strange, but many people consult a divorce attorney before they have made a decision about when to divorce. Some couples even talk to a mediator while they are pursuing marriage counselling. Your mediator has likely worked with hundreds of couples over the years and may be able to provide you with information on when to divorce and whether your situation can be solved with divorce or a separation. Your mediator may even recommend a temporary separation to give both parties some breathing room.

7) Emotional Exhaustion

Emotional exhaustion is often the final sign that you need a divorce. When you go through marriage counselling, apply all the techniques to your relationship, and you still feel drained, a divorce can be the only way to salvage your emotional health. When one or both parties check out of the relationship emotionally, it means that there is very little chance that you will be able to find a solution to your marital problems. Marriage requires a commitment from both parties, so one of the most reliable signs for when to divorce is when one or both partners have given up.

 

Mediation is the art of finding a middle ground solution to seemingly unfathomable problems. It is used in contractual and divorce disputes among others - Contact Cape Mediators today!

What are the Benefits of Mediation?

Apart from the obvious benefits of helping you to reach an agreement by yourselves, this is the most cost effective way of sorting out what happens when you split up. Some mediators are independent and they simply aim at making a meaningful difference in people’s lives, like Cape Mediators. They will have lower charging rates than lawyer mediators.

Because you are involved in the discussions directly, and end up with an agreement, you know that the deal is one you can live with. You will have looked at all the options yourselves and you will know that what you have decided should have the best chance of working for you and your family.

With mediation, you are in the driving seat. The process empowers you – to gather the information about finances, for example, and to understand it; to discuss the options direct and to make decisions about them. A criticism of the legal process (particularly if courts are involved) is that decisions are made for you rather than by you – and those decisions are imposed on you.

You have to live with those decisions whether you like them or not.

Looking for professional, reliable mediation services at an affordable price? Contact Cape Mediators today!

What does mediation involve?

These days there will rarely be a case that is not a suitable candidate for mediation or where the parties would decline to mediate.

Mediation involves the parties choosing their own process, which means that, although most mediation will follow a similar pattern, it can be infinitely flexible. It is a confidential process and "without prejudice", so it is an opportunity to have your say away from the public forum of a court room and in a way that allows you to express your opinion freely.

Mediation is generally presided over by a neutral person who assists the parties to work towards a negotiated settlement. That person is not a judge so they will not give an opinion on the matter but, done well, a good mediator can really test the parties' positions and assist settlement by highlighting strengths and weaknesses.

However, the decision to settle is made by the parties. They cannot be forced to settle and will only settle if the terms of that settlement have been agreed.

That is why it is always important to have someone empowered to make a final decision on settlement attending the mediation. There is nothing more frustrating than reaching a deal in principle but then having to adjourn because the decision has to be referred back to someone who is not present.

Mediation is a tried and tested way to resolve conflicts and disputes, including those which are complex and high value.

Looking for professional, reliable mediation services at an affordable price? Contact Cape Mediators today!

The ins and outs of family mediation

Due to recent changes in government thinking, family mediation is becoming the preferred method to resolve and prevent family disputes, especially where children are involved.  Agreements that have been freely negotiated can help restore communication, understanding and trust.

- Family Mediation helps you resolve conflict and reach agreement on all issues surrounding separation, divorce or dissolution of civil partnership.

- It is a voluntary and confidential process which helps you reach joint decisions without the use of courts.

- It offers you a safe, neutral place where you and your ex-partner can meet with an impartial mediator to work out plans for the future.

- Mediators do not tell you what to do, but help you look at different options for sorting things out, so that you reach your own agreements about all aspects of your separation, divorce or dissolution, including arrangements for children, finances and property.

Who can use mediation?

- Mediation is open to anybody affected by family breakdown including separation, divorce and dissolution of civil partnership.

- It is mostly used by parents or couples who are experiencing difficulties agreeing arrangements, regardless of age, race, nationality, sexuality, orientation, mobility, faith and other such factors.

- Mediation is also available to other family members, such as grandparents, who may be having difficulties over contact arrangements, or step-parents who would like to support their new partner.

Cape Mediators are professionals with a wealth of skills and experience in family mediation and conflict resolution. We deliver mediation at the highest accredited standard – If you are seeking mediation please click here and fill in the form.

Contact Cape Mediators today!

What skills do you need as a Mediator?

A key aspect of mediation is that the mediator does not sort things out or make any decisions for the parties involved. Instead, he or she helps the parties involved work together to develop their own agreement.

A mediator needs a range of skills, including:

- Active listening skills;

- Questioning and clarifying skills to grasp both the facts and the areas of controversy;

- Emotional intelligence to understand the underlying emotions;

- Summarising skills to set out the main points of controversy, and underlying emotions, and also to help the participants to reframe issues in less emotive language;

- Empathy to help each party to stand in each other’s shoes and understand each other’s point of view.

Perhaps most importantly, a mediator must not take sides, or be seen to be acting unfairly. You will therefore need to acknowledge points made by both parties, and spend equal time with each person or on their issues.

It’s never going to help to point out that someone is being unreasonable, but you can help them take a reality check by asking what they would consider a reasonable outcome, and then asking whether they think the other party would agree.

Looking for professional, reliable mediation services at an affordable price? Don't hesitate to contact Cape Mediators today!

The Mediation Process

Although every conflict is different and every mediation process differs too, there are a number of steps which you will need to consider in every case...

        1.       Preparation

Lay out the “ground rules” for the mediation process. You may want to set up some basic rules, like only one person speaks at a time, and while someone is talking, the others have to listen in silence. There also will be no verbal abuse at anytime, as well as everything that happens remains confidential unless both parties have another agreement. Consider whether you should have separate meetings with each party to develop a better understanding of the issues before mediating a joint agreement.

        2.       Reconstruction and Understanding the Conflict

Listen to the participants stories, whether together or separately, and clarify what they want to achieve from the process. If you are meeting both participants together, it is helpful if you can summarise the main points of conflict in a neutral way that both can agree upon.  It can also be helpful at this stage to name the emotions that participants are feeling, to show that they have been recognised and understood.

        3.       Defining Points of Agreement and Dispute

Move towards a position where they start to understand each other’s point of view, and can then begin to resolve a shared problem. One way to do this is to think of it as moving from a focus on the past to one on the future. It’s extremely powerful to reflect feelings back to the participants, as it shows both that they have been heard. Don’t be afraid to suggest a break for coffee or a walk outside, or even an adjournment to another day if you think things are getting a bit heated.

        4.       Creating Options for Agreement

Identify the simplest area, or the one on which there is most agreement, and suggest resolving that first, to give a ‘quick win’. Useful techniques for developing options include brainstorming. At this stage – anything goes! You then need to help the participants to develop evaluation criteria, which should ideally be objective and in order of importance. Your role here is to make sure that all participants are equally involved in generating options and developing evaluation criteria, and that they cover all parts of the problem. Make sure that you are reflecting their opinions and not your own. Once the options have been discussed, you’ll need to guide them to a single solution that suits all parties.

        5.       Developing an Agreement

Help the participants to achieve an agreement that is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-bound:

- Writing down the proposal and reading it back to them.
- Writing down individual points so they are clear and understood.
- Clarifying any general or vague points.
- Avoid legalistic language, and keep everything very simple.
- Summarise progress and next steps, including setting a deadline for any future meetings, and identifying any remaining areas of difficulty, and options for their resolution.
- Being positive about progress and the fact that everyone has remained engaged.
- Offering your continued support as a mediator if required.
- Ensuring both parties sign the agreement then and there, and close the meeting once agreement is reached.

Mediation is an effective method to help solve conflicts that have gone beyond the negotiation stage. Contact Cape Mediators for affordable, professional mediation services!

Mediation can settle Contract Conflict

Contracts are entered into daily in various formats, from bank loans, deeds of sale and employment contracts to rental agreements to name but a few.

The contracts you so willingly sign are filled with many clauses of varying description, but do you realise what you are writing your signature down on? Contracts are seldom read and fully understood by the signatory.

Afford yourself the time to do due diligence – below is an example of a clause often overlooked or omitted.

Clause reference; Disputes: (ADR) alternate dispute resolution.

 The process to be followed if either the parties notifies the other in writing, a dispute exists and the nature thereof. The said clause is to cover the existing period of the agreement and any renewal or extension thereof.

The parties on receipt of said notice the parties shall within a specific time frame ie.10 (ten) working days agree to instruct their representatives or personally attempt to resolve the dispute amicably by negotiation failing this to within a prescribed time (15 working days) refer the matter for resolution by way of mediation.

In the event that the mediation process does not reach a mutually acceptable resolution of the dispute the parties agree to refer the matter to arbitration. The parties agree to be bound by the ruling of the said arbitrator.  The time frames allocated to the set agreed procedures may be mutually altered in writing by the parties.

By including the above mentioned clause one is more likely to avoid:

(           (a)   A decision taken on the matter by an external third party ie Law society representative.

            (b)   Parties agree by default to proceed to litigation.

Mediation then becomes a proactive arena for parties seeking to end disputes or conflict by mutual agreement expeditiously.

Looking for professional, reliable mediation services at an affordable price? Contact Cape Mediators today!